When Friends Don’t Understand Your Invisible Illness
Monday, November 17th, 2008 Subscribe To Our Feed
If you have an invisible chronic illness you may discover that the invisibility factor of the illness can be much more of a challenge than the physical changes your body is undergoing. Most people who are diagnosed with an illness sooner or later accept the illness as being a part of life. In order to have a life filled with joy, one must educate one’s self on the illness and that treatment options available, and then make choices.
Those with illness, however, have no ability to make others except the illness or even acknowledge it. We are loved ones are skeptical about the existence or seriousness of her disease, it can be devastating. It can wound our self-worth and cause problems in our relationships.
So, what you do when someone important in your life refuses to acknowledge the seriousness of your disease, or accept that the disease even exists? Here are four steps to change your actions and attitudes:
1. Go with it. Your life feels very serious right now, but don’t take your situation too seriously when around your friend. Unfortunately there is not a magical talk you can have that will make him instantly change his mind about your health situation. Most likely, the only way for him to rethink his perception of your illness is for him to observe you and your typical activities. Though your illness may be invisible, he may start to witness some visible symptoms. Perhaps you may have some new limitations, like being unable to walk a long distance; and rather than explaining what you can and cannot do, he might just see it.
2. Grow with it. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on how you perceive other people and what you assume about their abilities. For example, when you’re standing in line at the store and feeling wiped out, it is easy to assume “No one else knows how hard this is for me!” Surprisingly, nearly 1 in two people live with an illness and about 96% of the painful diseases are invisible. So the odds are that there are people who do actually understand how you feel. Also, think about what situations your friends are experiencing that you don’t really understand. Is a friend suffering from a spouse who has had an affair? Do they have a parent who has Alzheimer’s? Or have they recently lost a job? All of these events dramatically change one’s life and your friends can use your empathy and understanding.
3. Get over it. It is easy to obsess over the fact that no one understands what your daily chronic pain is like. Save yourself a lot of grief and don’t do it. We would all like a loved one to be able to slip inside are skin for twenty-four hours, but this level of understanding of our disease will never occur. If you began to resent people who don’t understand, soon all your friendships will be tainted. Do not take a friend’s lack of empathy personally, even though it feels personal. You cannot change someone’s mind; you can only control your own behavior, so make certain you have conversations that you won’t regret.
4. Get on with it. Life is short and good friends and family are precious. The level of intimacy in your relationship will not be as deep as it could be if your loved one acknowledged your invisible illness, but the relationship can still exist if you want it to and it’s otherwise a healthy relationship and not destructive.
The odds are that in time your friend will eventually have his own health crisis, and have some level of understanding about what you have faced on a daily basis. He may even turn to you for advice. Be supportive and encouraging. Don’t say “I told you so.”
Go with it. Grow with it. Get over it. Get on with it.
You can have relationships with those who don’t understand the depth of your illness. Just accept the person for what he can give at the moment and have reasonable expectations for the relationship. In time, it may prove to be one of your most precious friendships.
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